Several months ago in the midst of the whole ridiculous saga that is divorce court, at some point, I googled "bitter divorce" and found a woman's blog about her experiences. Her blog was poignant, humorous, and insightful. Reading her story was actually enlightening to me at the time, and so, I thought that maybe I should write my own commentary on this ludicrous, but life changing event. You never know, right?
There are two important things about my recent divorce to note. One: is that many people seem to feel the need to apologize when I mention it. And it always seems like an embarrassingly awkward comment. And it occurred to me that, if you haven't actually lived through it, it possibly would be really difficult to understand a perspective that regards that event with happiness. Why? It is not something to apologize about. Life changes. Evolution is real. That is a simple fact. Understandably, some people find true meaning and happiness in continuing their bonds with a single person for their entire lives. I see that in my grandparents, in my parents. But, there is no prefabricated mold for life that makes us all as individuals happy; and of course, we all can imagine how boring would life be if there were. We are all unique individuals and my happiness is not now, nor will ever be, equivalent to anyone else’s sense of that in this world. We all should live our lives in our own ways. And I will find my own.
Einstein said, “The world will not evolve past its current state of crisis by using the same thinking that created the situation.” While I keep reading that statement lately in light of sustainability, I think that it applies to relationships too. When the union no longer makes sense, when no one is happy, and there is no way to forge ahead without someone becoming unhappy, then the line of thinking just needs to evolve. I don’t mean that to sound callous. My ex told me in the throngs of the separation that I should stop being so rational. Possibly. But, the thing is that I am not unemotional, as he took it to mean (and truly, anyone who really knows me could testify to that fact).
True to my Libra sign, I am, in reality, as indecisive as a person can get. The problem is that the debate is internal and so, if you miss the signs, there is no way to comprehend that it exists. I can (and regularly do) create an internal debate with myself over what to eat for breakfast (I could use some calcium. Maybe yogurt would be good. But, should I eat yogurt? The problem with yogurt is that it is always sold in plastic containers. I don’t want to buy plastic containers. I should start making my own yogurt so I could eat it without feeling guilty. If I eat a banana, I can compost the peel. But, what about all the transportation required to bring me a banana. What about the pesticides? Are the banana farmers being paid a living wage, is there a social injustice involved with eating a banana?...seriously, you could probably write volumes on my daily internal debates) So, yes, when I come to a decision, all of the pros and cons have been weighed, reweighed, analyzed, and reanalyzed, and yes, at that point, it is decisive. At that point, there is little room for more discussion, because I have already done all of the debate that could possibly be done on the subject. My ex also used to tell me that I would be happier if I just stopped thinking. That may be true too. But, I’m not sure that I would really prefer comatose. I kind of like my brain and my life within it. It makes me laugh.
I believe that change is good. Some people don’t; it was a striking difference between me and my ex and one that is difficult to resolve. And that is fine. It is a choice. And none of us really have any answers anyway. But still, I am thinking about Paulo Coehlo’s book “By the River Piedre, I Sat Down and Wept,” and the heroine’s lament as she wished her life could find the stability, strength and peace of the mountains over that of the tumultuous river’s. And she is reminded what a horrible fate that would be, destined to always look at the same scenery. That speaks to me. Truly, I see the value in both. In my reality though, I talk to God on mountains, but it is in the rivers that I find life’s rhythms.
The second is about regret. I don’t have any. I don’t see this as a reason to look back and see what I did wrong. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and I do not regret any of my decisions, either before or after or it starting or ending. And despite the difficulties that I have had with my ex (and all of the complaining I have done lately regarding what turned into a battle; that is just venting), I don’t find any fault in him, or reasons to place blame, or reasons to look back bitterly, or a reason to believe that I made the wrong choice. When life changes, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is any reason for fault. It just is. The simple, resounding fact is that Owen came out of that defunct situation. And, admittedly, I am very biased, but he is a wonderful little human. How could I ever regret anything that resulted in him? How could anything leading up to that precious little child possibly be a mistake? This is not about how I could choose better next time or fix any mistakes (Why do so many people seem to believe that I need there to be a next time anyway?). I think I prefer to just move forward and live life. I love every day that I am alive. Life. That is just enough.
Though, I will say, that what I have learned through this is a deep, deep regard, love, and appreciation for the friends and family who have so graciously offered their support and love. I have had the time and need to really, really develop friendships and to genuinely give daily thanks for those that have strengthened and the new ones that have developed “out of the ashes.” Ha. Like phoenixes, y’all are.
